Now I’m really concerned.

As anyone can tell from scrolling through my blog that not much of it is in a personal vein. I don’t like having my personal life out in public, I suppose that’s why I’d make a lousy public figure. But this is also a forum for me to get things off my chest and act as a diary of sorts even if it’s just for me to look back on and say ” oh yeah I remember that”. My life has taken a drastic turn recently almost all of it due to an old injury that is returning. I was injured at work a few years ago at work and required surgery. That in itself may not sound all that tragic, but what that involved was a huge strain on me, my wife, and my family. After I was injured I was unable to work due to pain and then the medication to control the pain. The pain kept getting worse and therefore the drugs to control it kept getting stronger, until I was in a wheelchair forced to sit in the kitchen while my wife (all alone) tried to look after our (then)3 children and one newborn daughter. All that while still working part time and looking after my needs as well. I wonder if she will ever really know how much I appreciate her, what she did, what she sacrificed, and how much I love her and admire her, for her strength and ability to handle so many things. And finally(after a year of tests)I had surgery to correct the bulge in my disc that was pressing the sciatic nerve against my spine. After the surgery I went home the very next day, pain free. I felt like a new man, almost born again for I had been in constant pain and waking up everyday in agony for as long as I could remember. Suddenly it was all gone. Though I had to endure a recovery period ahead, including not even holding my new born daughter, It was better than the pain and suffering. A week later I started feeling ill, cold sweats, hot flashes, vomiting, having a fever but be freezing cold, uncontrollable shakes. I finally ended up in the civic emergency room unable to cope anymore. I was there for 8 hours, vomiting in a bag. And seen by no one but the admitting nurse. Finally I gave up, ripped the IV line out of my arm and called my wife. Holding a brown paper towel over the IV hole in my wrist, bleeding, standing in the lobby in my housecoat and slippers, shaking, very sick, waiting for my wife to pick me up. Once home I called my family doctor and explained what was going on. They asked what the hospital had prescribed for me after the surgery. I said nothing. They were dumbfounded. For over a year I was taking very high doses of narcotic medication for pain, and since I had stopped cold turkey I was going through withdrawl, like a junkie. he told me to come down right away and within an hour I was feeling much better. Fast forward to a year ago. Another new baby girl and a new job. The pain starts returning, at first I try to ignore it and deal with it, doing my best to hide from my wife, and work. That didn’t last long. As the pain got worse again the drugs got stronger. Missing work for doctor appointments, missing work because I’m just in too much pain. the latest MRI shows I have the lower injury returning and now an upper disc has developed a bulge as well. And so begins the battle with WSIB to see if it is related. Today I can no longer work because the medication has been increased to a point that I can no longer drive safely. That’s a joke, I should have stopped driving months ago when I was on percocets, but I could handle it. Then I was on a stronger oxycontin, I could handle that, it just seemed to handle the pain. But now with the morphine and codeine contin I can’t. I almost rear ended a tanker truck. Right then and there I took myself off the road. So now I can’t work, I don’t know when I am going to have surgery, The bills have been piling up for months, the hydro might get cut off, our phone has already been cut off. On my way home from the food bank today my car blew a front tire, and I drove home on the rim because I cant afford a tow and I really have no other option. Great, thanks. Excuse me while I lose it a little bit. And I suppose it’s a daily wonder now what will happen next. The mortgage is due next week, and really at this point we don’t have many options and the kids are stressing us out and my wife and I are on a wire. If I was a praying man I’d be on my knees, but with my luck lately, someone would just kick me.